When You Love an Addict: Stop Enabling and Help Yourself

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ~Ann Landers

I fell in love for better or worse. First came the better and then the worst.

My prince charming, over time, became a raging alcoholic. I watched an amazing man become, well less amazing.

There are endless books and information you can read about addiction, but I am going to break the rule, skip to the end of those books, and tell you the ending—the solution. Spoiler alert!

Let go.

The most complex two words a person can say.

Odds are, the addictive (insert type of addiction here—can be drugs, sex, gambling; it’s all the same) personality type found you because you are a helper, better known in the addict world as an enabler.

When my alcoholic fell off the wagon, I read every book, attended AA and Al-Anon meetings, got several counselors, and was an active participant during one of his several trips to rehab. A star student.

With each fall, I designed and created a plan that would surely fix the problem. I was so well educated on the topic, I could have written a book myself, taught a class, or ran a meeting.

The problem was it was always my plan, not his.

When to let go?

Set boundaries.

When they are crossed, stick by the consequences you have predetermined. No more, “one more chance” scenarios. The boundaries need to be your boundaries. Some people will have a high level of tolerance, others will not. Set what you can live with and be happy.

For example, I had set a boundary of no legal issues. When that was crossed in the form of yet another DUI, it was time to file for divorce. Though it will not be easy, be prepared to follow through.

How do you let go?

Do the opposite of what comes naturally.

I was talking to my counselor and she said you are going to have to go against your gut to get this right.

I thought, you are crazy; I live and die by my gut feelings.

Then she the said words that would both sting and profoundly change my life. “You make the plans, you write the checks, you do all of it to make yourself feel better.”

She was right. I didn’t want to feel embarrassed, sick, or upset. I wanted the pain to go away and the healing to begin, and I wanted it to happen fast. Hadn’t we hit rock bottom?

Let them feel consequences of their actions.

Have a fine to pay? Pay it yourself.

You lose your driver’s license? Walk, ride a bus, or bike to where you need to go.

Need jail for an attorney, or need to be bailed out of jail? Figure it out on your own.

Literally help them with nothing. Support, love, and encouragement are great, but stop there.

It is the most terrible and effective thing you, as a helper, can do—stop helping. If I had one regret it would be that I enabled him. I allowed him to not feel the consequences and robbed him of the opportunity to build his self-esteem through addressing his mistakes himself.

Educate yourself.

Even though you know the ending to the story and the secret has been revealed, there is a lot to be said about the journey.

I was in an Al-Anon meeting, and I listened as a beautiful, confident woman announced to the group she was going to go home and give her addict a piece of her mind, force him to stop, lay down the law. I thought, well that won’t work.

Then I realized, I was just like that woman. I had threatened, cried, yelled, and punished. It did not and would never work. I would learn more in those meetings than I ever believed possible.

So read the books, go to meeting, get that counselor, take the online course; it is worth the investment. One Ah-Ha moment can be life changing. I did the same for my children.

Build and use your circle of support.

I kept my addicts secret. I felt I owed it to him to protect and defend his honor. There was some truth to that, but I was also protecting me.

Once I opened up about the issue, love, support, and some judgment came flooding in. Take what you need and leave the rest. You live with your decisions. The person giving you the advice does not.

Find the new you.

My life, my future everything was built around this man and the beautiful children we had created. When I accepted my reality had changed, I embraced it!

I began to build a new life, and dusted off some old dreams until they were new and shiny. I learned where the sprinkler control box was, unclogged the garbage disposal, and bought a step stool so I could reach anything I wanted, whenever I wanted. (He is 6’6” and I am 5’4”.) I hired a handyman. I asked for help, it almost killed me but I did ask and it did help. Create a life you can love!

—

I have and will always have compassion for addicts. It is my personal belief that it is disease. I often switch the word addict for cancer. You would most likely not be mad that friend of loved one had cancer, but you can be upset that they have opted to not follow any of the doctors orders.

The addict gets one day at time. So should you. There will be days you go backward and there will be days you make amazing leaps forward. In the end you will prevail.

10 Men That Make Dating Mistakes

A handy list of the guys that struggle to make it past a couple of dates.

Mr Too Nice to Date Twice
It’s true that women can’t see a nice guy for the trees but there is nice and then there is the type of nice which leaves us stifling yawns all evening. Guys make the mistake of believing that being a nice person is a bad thing, but what they don’t realise is that a guy can still be nice and have some balls. Being nice does not mean that he should lose the ability to make a decision. Boys, be proactive and God forbid, speak!

Mr Persistent
God loves a tryer, but we’re not God. How unpleasant is it when a guy just won’t take the hint and is whining because you won’t let him come in for a non-existent coffee, let things go beyond a kiss etc. He should take the hint and have the good grace to go home with a modicum of decency! And when we say we’re not interested, he should accept it and move on, without berating us over our choice and trying to convince us otherwise!

Mr Kiss Arse
We are not their mum, which means that overdoing it on the search for approval will put us right off. Men should be moderately assured of themselves and shouldn’t be having a one man contest with you as judge.

Mr Flash
Some women get wet at the sign of money, but for most women, if we aren’t interested, attempting to buy our affection is a complete turn off. As my mum told me recently, ‘You’ll feel on top of the world if you’re really into the guy, or you’ll feel trapped by the OTT gestures.’ When men keep throwing money our way via gifts etc, it’s as if they are implying that they don’t think that what they have to offer is good enough.

Mr Premature
Like premature ejaculation, a feelings spillage too early in the relationship can make for rather awkward times. I’m sure there are people that fall in love at first sight and bla, bla, bla but for the rest of us, being told ‘I love you’ or ‘I really, really, really like you’, when we’ve only been on a couple of dates with a guy screams red flag. It seems insincere, and some of us will think that it’s a cheesy line used to attempt to weaken our knicker elastic. Guys should learn how to take their time, but not too much obviously!

Mr Shallow
Guys make the rather foolish mistake of assuming that women are only interested in money and looks. Yes some are, but they’re shallow too. Most women see beyond money and looks, to at least notice the size of the willy. I’m joking! Most women need personality to graduate from dating into a relationship. The looks and the money are superficial things which can wear off once we’ve seen the skiddy underpants, the beer gut has exploded and he’s suddenly lost the inability to do anything around the house. It’s the personality that gets the guy to that stage in the first place.

Mr Pussy
There are certain things that we just don’t seem to be comfortable with, and unless you are an Alpha Female or just very bossy and dominant, we don’t like our men to be pushovers. If a guy spends dates being a yes man saying ‘Whatever you want to do';’ Whatever you like’ to all of your questions, I suggest you get out the magnifying glass and look for his balls.

Mr Falter
Women are very clever, very perceptive and very sensitive which means that even if we choose to ignore some really odd things that guys do and end up in dodgy relationships, we do know when a guy wants to kiss us, sleep with us etc and if he fails to act on this, it can be off putting. If guys stall on doing the basics such as kissing, this is very confusing to a woman and if she isn’t feeling particular patient, she just won’t bother anymore.

Mr Days of Our Lives
Sometimes we do get a guy who just tries to bloody hard and it’s not because he is actually a nice guy, but because he normally isn’t a nice guy but is playing the game so that he charm his way into your knickers. The over dramatic ‘acting’ leaves you almost waiting for the music to kick in and the scene to cut. The worst thing about these guys is that their act is very transparent making them look like an asshole. What these guys need to remember is to run the risk of being themselves as the act can only last for so long.

Mr Wife Beater of the Future

When guys display aggression on a date, I beg and implore, pay bloody attention and run a mile. Dating is when we put our best foot forward. The bikini line and all other body hair is neat or gone, we wear our best underwear, we act as if we’re on top of the world etc, and if he is losing his rag on the first few dates, it not only says that he doesn’t give a monkey’s but if he’ll be like this so early on, what the hell will he be doing further down the line?