It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

By C. De Lima

“Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” ~Leo F. Buscaglia

In 2009 I traveled to Perth, Western Australia, to further my education. Little did I know how much my life would change.

I befriended lots of people and met a tall, gorgeous man from South Asia. He was not the type of guy I normally dated, but I fell for him anyway.

It was our happy fun time in 2010. Then, in early 2011, I sensed a change.

It’s funny when you’re in a relationship with someone; you can feel when something just isn’t right. 

I had that feeling.

You see, ever since we became a couple, we could talk about anything without feeling judged or embarrassed. We were happy, so when suddenly he changed and became very private, it raised an alarm in me.

It turned out he was having an affair—not just with one, but with two women at the same time. The pain, the hurt, the humiliation, and the numbness that came afterward were unbearable.

I literally forced the truth out of him. I knew it would hurt, but I had to know his reasons. How could someone with a kind heart cheat on a person and create a new relationship based on a lie? Questions bounced around in my head for months.

Eventually I forgave him, and so did the others. But unfortunately for me, I let myself stay in this drama.

I latched myself to him—and lost myself—while feeling confused by his conflicted feelings toward me, between “I want you” and “I don’t.”

It’s a strange thing, but sometimes it can feel safer to stay with a pain we know than embrace the pain of walking away.

That was when I found out I was six weeks pregnant.

Under stress and feeling mentally and physically tired, not to mention scared, I decided to keep the pregnancy as a single mother. Then I miscarried in the first week of December. It completely broke my heart.

Honestly, I was already feeling numb and I thought, “This is it. This is the limit.”

Unfortunately it wasn’t, because five days after my miscarriage, during a follow-up at the hospital, a doctor asked me, “Did the other doctors say anything about your left ovary?”

He then referred me to the radiology department, and they supported my doctor’s diagnosis—an eight centimeter tumor on my left ovary that had to be removed immediately. Since there are cancer genes on my mother’s side of the family, this was an even greater cause for concern.

I left the hospital feeling numb. Numbness turned into anger.

My sister and best friend called and said it was okay for me to get angry, releasing all the pain inside.

By the end of the day, I didn’t have any energy left. I felt so drained.

The worst thing about being alone is feeling you are alone.

All I wanted at that time was to go home, where I could just rest without thinking about how unfair life feltat that moment.

So in mid-December I flew back to Indonesia and had the surgery a couple of days later. Sadly, they couldn’t save my left ovary, but I felt safe and loved with my mother and sister comforting me. I could finally share my burdens with them.

I didn’t have the man I loved, and yet there was still so much love in my life.

The pathology results from the tumor stated benign, but since I have the cancer genes, I have no option but to change my lifestyle and make healthier choices, which is a blessing already.

While taking the time to recover from my heartbreak, my loss, and my surgery, I managed to celebrate Christmas and the New Year with my whole family who supported me and welcomed me back with open arms.

I’m not completely okay, but I’m still standing.

Last year, I thought I was happy, but I realized in retrospect that I’d lost myself in my relationship. Then when I lost my baby, I thought that I’d lost everything.

And yet if it weren’t for that miscarriage, I wouldn’t have learned about the tumor.

Sometimes the worst things in life can actually be blessings in disguise.

In retrospect, I realize I made a lot of mistakes. I stayed in a relationship even though I knew it was one-sided, because I didn’t have the courage to walk away. I lied to myself so I didn’t have to accept what happened.

But I’m learning to forgive and take care of myself, mentally and physically.

And I’m finally accepting that it’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to cry for our losses. It’s okay to mourn the dreams that didn’t pan out. It’s okay to hurt and not have things figured out.

Through the events in our lives, good and bad, we learn who we are and what makes us tick. It’s not about creating happily ever after—it’s about taking it one step at a time and accepting that we’ll go through times when we won’t feel happy.

I never imagined I would lose love, a pregnancy, and my health all in one go. But even if I don’t feel okay right now, I know I will be okay because I have family and friends who love me unconditionally.

But most importantly, I love and believe in myself.

And as for my past lover, I hope he will find the change that he still seeks and desires, and that he never breaks another woman’s heart the way he did mine.

Remember: everything will be okay if we love and believe in ourselves, and understand that hope floats around us.

When You Love an Addict: Stop Enabling and Help Yourself

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ~Ann Landers

I fell in love for better or worse. First came the better and then the worst.

My prince charming, over time, became a raging alcoholic. I watched an amazing man become, well less amazing.

There are endless books and information you can read about addiction, but I am going to break the rule, skip to the end of those books, and tell you the ending—the solution. Spoiler alert!

Let go.

The most complex two words a person can say.

Odds are, the addictive (insert type of addiction here—can be drugs, sex, gambling; it’s all the same) personality type found you because you are a helper, better known in the addict world as an enabler.

When my alcoholic fell off the wagon, I read every book, attended AA and Al-Anon meetings, got several counselors, and was an active participant during one of his several trips to rehab. A star student.

With each fall, I designed and created a plan that would surely fix the problem. I was so well educated on the topic, I could have written a book myself, taught a class, or ran a meeting.

The problem was it was always my plan, not his.

When to let go?

Set boundaries.

When they are crossed, stick by the consequences you have predetermined. No more, “one more chance” scenarios. The boundaries need to be your boundaries. Some people will have a high level of tolerance, others will not. Set what you can live with and be happy.

For example, I had set a boundary of no legal issues. When that was crossed in the form of yet another DUI, it was time to file for divorce. Though it will not be easy, be prepared to follow through.

How do you let go?

Do the opposite of what comes naturally.

I was talking to my counselor and she said you are going to have to go against your gut to get this right.

I thought, you are crazy; I live and die by my gut feelings.

Then she the said words that would both sting and profoundly change my life. “You make the plans, you write the checks, you do all of it to make yourself feel better.”

She was right. I didn’t want to feel embarrassed, sick, or upset. I wanted the pain to go away and the healing to begin, and I wanted it to happen fast. Hadn’t we hit rock bottom?

Let them feel consequences of their actions.

Have a fine to pay? Pay it yourself.

You lose your driver’s license? Walk, ride a bus, or bike to where you need to go.

Need jail for an attorney, or need to be bailed out of jail? Figure it out on your own.

Literally help them with nothing. Support, love, and encouragement are great, but stop there.

It is the most terrible and effective thing you, as a helper, can do—stop helping. If I had one regret it would be that I enabled him. I allowed him to not feel the consequences and robbed him of the opportunity to build his self-esteem through addressing his mistakes himself.

Educate yourself.

Even though you know the ending to the story and the secret has been revealed, there is a lot to be said about the journey.

I was in an Al-Anon meeting, and I listened as a beautiful, confident woman announced to the group she was going to go home and give her addict a piece of her mind, force him to stop, lay down the law. I thought, well that won’t work.

Then I realized, I was just like that woman. I had threatened, cried, yelled, and punished. It did not and would never work. I would learn more in those meetings than I ever believed possible.

So read the books, go to meeting, get that counselor, take the online course; it is worth the investment. One Ah-Ha moment can be life changing. I did the same for my children.

Build and use your circle of support.

I kept my addicts secret. I felt I owed it to him to protect and defend his honor. There was some truth to that, but I was also protecting me.

Once I opened up about the issue, love, support, and some judgment came flooding in. Take what you need and leave the rest. You live with your decisions. The person giving you the advice does not.

Find the new you.

My life, my future everything was built around this man and the beautiful children we had created. When I accepted my reality had changed, I embraced it!

I began to build a new life, and dusted off some old dreams until they were new and shiny. I learned where the sprinkler control box was, unclogged the garbage disposal, and bought a step stool so I could reach anything I wanted, whenever I wanted. (He is 6’6” and I am 5’4”.) I hired a handyman. I asked for help, it almost killed me but I did ask and it did help. Create a life you can love!

—

I have and will always have compassion for addicts. It is my personal belief that it is disease. I often switch the word addict for cancer. You would most likely not be mad that friend of loved one had cancer, but you can be upset that they have opted to not follow any of the doctors orders.

The addict gets one day at time. So should you. There will be days you go backward and there will be days you make amazing leaps forward. In the end you will prevail.

11 Crazy Old Valentine's Day Cards That Would Never Exist Today

The Internet has a wonderful collection of vintage Valentine's Day cards. And by "wonderful," I mostly mean "horrifying." There's nary a "choo-choo-choose you" or Go-Bots valentine to be found but dozens and dozens of sexist, racist, violent and inadvertently hypersexual ones at every turn. 

I collected these 11 old valentines that would never fly today. Check 'em out...

1. I'm aiming straight at your heart.
   
   
   
   
   Considering a kid today gets suspended from school for biting a Pop Tart into the shape of a gun, I'm fairly sure a valentine where a little boy is popping off three rounds -- ostensibly at a girl's chest -- wouldn't make the cut. Even if there is an adorable bunny there to soften the blow.
   
2. My racist Valentine #1.
   
   
   
   
   There might not be a more jarring sight than old racist cartoons of black people. The scary part is -- this wasn't even the most offensive one. I found a valentine featuring a black character that was too horrifying to put on a list of horrifying valentines. If you must see it, it's here.
   
3. My racist Valentine #2.
   
   
   
   
   But, of course, black people weren't the only ones featured in grotesquely racist old valentines. Here, they apparently had a two-part agenda. 1. Squeeze as many Chinese stereotypes as possible into a relatively small space. 2. Um, connect it loosely to valentine's day (if there's time, which there almost certainly won't be).
   
4. The torrid secret love affair of two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bad guys.
   
   
   
   
   Yes, Bebop and Rocksteady were always up there with Batman and Robin and Ace and Gary when it came to a two-man cartoon duo you kinda believed were secretly in love. Today, gay tolerance is at its highest level in history -- still not particularly high, unfortunately, but improving. Let's keep on reaching for that rainbow, society! Anyway, a side effect of the tragically overdue expansion of gay tolerance has been to eradicate things like this valentine. Today's Valentine's would either explicitly celebrate gay love... or steer completely clear of anything that might even remotely have homosexual undertones.
   
5. I ain't afraid of pirates, I love that caveman stuff...
   
   
   
   
   In the Law & Order: SVU era, there's no place for adorable girls to talk about how they like it rough. This valentine would actually give Olivia Benson such a massive heart attack that Ice-T might actually have to take the lead on his first case ever.
   
6. It "strikes me" that I love you!
   
   
   
   
   This kid has a sledgehammer and bad intentions. Even one of those two things would be enough to get this blacklisted today.
   
7. Can't I bring you to your knees too?
   
   
   
   
   I know this one is really bad when it took me until my now -- as I'm revising my final draft of this list -- to figure out it wasn't actually depicting a woman givin' it to a bull. During research for this list, photo editing, uploading and writing the first draft I thought that's what was going down.
   
8. Blow me down!
   
   
   
   
   When I was a kid, we would've been laughing about the term "blow me down" by about 4th grade. Which means today's kids would understand it about 17 minutes into kindergarten.
   
9. You're unusual.
   
   
   
   
   Today, you're only allowed to say, "You're unusual" to a kid if it's followed by, "and that what makes you special and perfect and the world will provide you with everything you ever want." You CANNOT follow, "You're unusual" with, "because you're a girl with a beard."
   
10. I get a "bang" out of you!
    
    
    
    
    Obviously the sexual connotation here is a problem; can't have kids talking about banging each other. And featuring a deadly, zero-tolerance busting weapon like a hammer just -- err -- puts another nail in the coffin. I've been reading kids' valentines all day. My pun game might be a little loose.
    
11. I'll be sunk if you won't be my valentine!
    
    
    
    
    These days we're far less likely to suggest elementary school kids should kill themselves over a failed crush. But beyond that -- there's so much wrong with this valentine. Is it only featuring a skunk because the key word is "sunk"? Isn't shooting yourself in the head and jumping off a pier with a rock tied to you -- pardon the expression -- overkill? And, most important: Where can *I* get a rock made out of funfetti?

40 Facts About The United States That Are Almost Too Crazy To Believe

In case you hadn’t noticed, the United States is a really weird place.  Not that “weird” is always bad.  Sometimes “weird” can keep life interesting.  But without a doubt, the United States is one of the most unique nations in the history of the world.  Some of the weird facts about the United States listed below may be difficult for you to believe.  Others are likely to completely shock you.  Hopefully there is a little something for everyone in this article, and hopefully you will learn some new things from reading it.  I know that I certainly learned some new things as I wrote it.  In general, everything tends to be larger in America.  The people are larger, the cars are larger, the divorce rate is the highest on the planet and the U.S. government has piled up the largest debt in the history of the world.  Whether America does something good or bad, it usually does it in a very “big” way.  It is easy to love the United States and all the good that it has done, but it is also easy to be horrified by how far this nation has fallen and by the direction that this country is currently headed.  So where does America go from here?  That is a very good question.

The following are 40 weird facts about the United States that are almost too crazy to believe….

#1 The highest point in the state of Florida is only 345 feet (115 yards) above sea level.

#2 Today, 66 percent of all Americans are considered to be overweight.

#3 The state of Alaska is 429 times larger than the state of Rhode Island is.  But Rhode Island has a significantly larger population than Alaska does.

#4 The average supermarket in the United States wastes about 3,000 pounds of foodeach year.

#5 Approximately 48 percent of all Americans are currently either considered to be “low income” or are living in poverty.

#6 Alaska has a longer coastline than all of the other 49 U.S. states put together.

#7 In the UK, an average of about $3,500 is spent on healthcare per person each year.  In the United States, an average of about $8,500 is spent on healthcare per person each year.

#8 Montana has three times as many cows as it does people.

#9 The average U.S. citizen drinks the equivalent of more than 600 sodas each year.

#10 The only place in the United States where coffee is grown commercially is in Hawaii.

#11 The United States has 845 motor vehicles for every 1,000 people.  Japan only has 593 for every 1,000 people and Germany only has 540 for every 1,000 people.

#12 The grizzly bear is the official state animal of California.  But no grizzly bears have been seen there since 1922.

#13 For many years it was the other way around, but today a majority of all Americans (including Pat Robertson) actually support the legalization of marijuana.

#14 Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to have been born in a hospital.

#15 In the middle of the last century, the United States was #1 in the world in GDP per capita.  Today, the United States is #13 in GDP per capita.

#16 Today, approximately 25 million American adults are living with their parents.

#17 One survey found that 25 percent of all employees that have Internet access in the United States visit pornography websites while they are at work.

#18 In 2011, our trade deficit with China was more than 49,000 times larger than it was back in 1985.

#19 One out of every seven Americans has at least 10 credit cards.

#20 The city of Juneau, Alaska is about 3,000 square miles large.  It is actually bigger than the entire state of Delaware.

#21 The United States puts a higher percentage of its population in prison than any other nation on earth does.

#22 There are more unemployed workers in the United States than there are people living in the entire nation of Greece.

#23 The original name of the city of Atlanta was “Terminus“.

#24 Sadly, more than 52 percent of all children that live in Cleveland, Ohio are living in poverty.

#25 The median price of a home in the city of Detroit is now about $6000.

#26 Back in 1950, more than 80 percent of all men in the United States had jobs.  Today, less than 65 percent of all men in the United States have jobs.

#27 According to author Paul Osterman, about 20 percent of all U.S. adults are currently working jobs that pay poverty-level wages.

#28 According to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, approximately 167,000 Americans have more than $200,000 of student loan debt.

#29 There are three towns in the United States that have the name “Santa Claus“.

#30 There are 313 million people living in the United States.  46 million of them are on food stamps.

#31 In the United States as a whole, one out of every four children is on food stamps.

#32 In 1940, 68.0% of all women in the 20 to 34 year old age group in the United States were married.  In 2010, only 39.2% of women in that age group were married.

#33 The United States has a teen pregnancy rate of 22 percent – the highest in the world.  New Zealand is number two at 14 percent.

#34 According to the CDC, there are 19 million new cases of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia in the United States every single year.

#35 The United States has the highest divorce rate on the globe by a wide margin.  Puerto Rico is number two.  Perhaps Puerto Rico really would fit in as the 51st state.

#36 More people have been diagnosed with mental disorders in the United States than in any other nation on earth.

#37 The United States has more government debt per capita than Greece, Portugal, Italy, Ireland or Spain.

#38 If Bill Gates gave every single penny of his fortune to the U.S. government, it would only cover the U.S. budget deficit for about 15 days.

#39 The U.S. national debt is now more than 22 times larger than it was when Jimmy Carter became president.

#40 It took from the founding of the nation until 1981 for the U.S. national debt to cross the one trillion dollar mark.  Today, our national debt is well over 15 trillion dollars and we add more than a trillion dollars to our debt every single year.

Do you have any other weird facts that you think should be added to this list? Please feel free to leave a comment with your feedback below….