11 Crazy Old Valentine's Day Cards That Would Never Exist Today

The Internet has a wonderful collection of vintage Valentine's Day cards. And by "wonderful," I mostly mean "horrifying." There's nary a "choo-choo-choose you" or Go-Bots valentine to be found but dozens and dozens of sexist, racist, violent and inadvertently hypersexual ones at every turn. 

I collected these 11 old valentines that would never fly today. Check 'em out...

1. I'm aiming straight at your heart.
   
   
   
   
   Considering a kid today gets suspended from school for biting a Pop Tart into the shape of a gun, I'm fairly sure a valentine where a little boy is popping off three rounds -- ostensibly at a girl's chest -- wouldn't make the cut. Even if there is an adorable bunny there to soften the blow.
   
2. My racist Valentine #1.
   
   
   
   
   There might not be a more jarring sight than old racist cartoons of black people. The scary part is -- this wasn't even the most offensive one. I found a valentine featuring a black character that was too horrifying to put on a list of horrifying valentines. If you must see it, it's here.
   
3. My racist Valentine #2.
   
   
   
   
   But, of course, black people weren't the only ones featured in grotesquely racist old valentines. Here, they apparently had a two-part agenda. 1. Squeeze as many Chinese stereotypes as possible into a relatively small space. 2. Um, connect it loosely to valentine's day (if there's time, which there almost certainly won't be).
   
4. The torrid secret love affair of two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bad guys.
   
   
   
   
   Yes, Bebop and Rocksteady were always up there with Batman and Robin and Ace and Gary when it came to a two-man cartoon duo you kinda believed were secretly in love. Today, gay tolerance is at its highest level in history -- still not particularly high, unfortunately, but improving. Let's keep on reaching for that rainbow, society! Anyway, a side effect of the tragically overdue expansion of gay tolerance has been to eradicate things like this valentine. Today's Valentine's would either explicitly celebrate gay love... or steer completely clear of anything that might even remotely have homosexual undertones.
   
5. I ain't afraid of pirates, I love that caveman stuff...
   
   
   
   
   In the Law & Order: SVU era, there's no place for adorable girls to talk about how they like it rough. This valentine would actually give Olivia Benson such a massive heart attack that Ice-T might actually have to take the lead on his first case ever.
   
6. It "strikes me" that I love you!
   
   
   
   
   This kid has a sledgehammer and bad intentions. Even one of those two things would be enough to get this blacklisted today.
   
7. Can't I bring you to your knees too?
   
   
   
   
   I know this one is really bad when it took me until my now -- as I'm revising my final draft of this list -- to figure out it wasn't actually depicting a woman givin' it to a bull. During research for this list, photo editing, uploading and writing the first draft I thought that's what was going down.
   
8. Blow me down!
   
   
   
   
   When I was a kid, we would've been laughing about the term "blow me down" by about 4th grade. Which means today's kids would understand it about 17 minutes into kindergarten.
   
9. You're unusual.
   
   
   
   
   Today, you're only allowed to say, "You're unusual" to a kid if it's followed by, "and that what makes you special and perfect and the world will provide you with everything you ever want." You CANNOT follow, "You're unusual" with, "because you're a girl with a beard."
   
10. I get a "bang" out of you!
    
    
    
    
    Obviously the sexual connotation here is a problem; can't have kids talking about banging each other. And featuring a deadly, zero-tolerance busting weapon like a hammer just -- err -- puts another nail in the coffin. I've been reading kids' valentines all day. My pun game might be a little loose.
    
11. I'll be sunk if you won't be my valentine!
    
    
    
    
    These days we're far less likely to suggest elementary school kids should kill themselves over a failed crush. But beyond that -- there's so much wrong with this valentine. Is it only featuring a skunk because the key word is "sunk"? Isn't shooting yourself in the head and jumping off a pier with a rock tied to you -- pardon the expression -- overkill? And, most important: Where can *I* get a rock made out of funfetti?

Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever (Don't write in your CV)

                                        My Job Is To…      

                                                              

1. Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
2. Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
3. Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
4. Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are while complaining how it’s a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
5. Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
6. Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
7. Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
8. Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage
9. Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer
10. Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
11. Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
12. Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director
13. Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
14. Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
15. Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
16. Tell forty year-old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
17. Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
18. Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
19. Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
20. Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
21. Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
22. Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
23. Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
24. Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
25. Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
26. Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
27. Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
28. Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
29. Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
30. Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
31. Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
32. Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
33. Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
34. Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
35. Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
36. Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
37. Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
38. Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
39. Run away and call the police: Security Guard
40. Copy and paste the Internet: Student

                              The Top 10

1. Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams’ favorite)
2. Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
3. Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
4. Call people who know what they’re doing and ask them what they’re doing: Incident Manager
5. Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
6. Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
7. Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director
8. Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
9. Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer
10. Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee