To heal a broken heart…

In most relationships, we are living an illusion, choosing to skim over the sootier bits ­ till reality strikes forcefully

Much like pieces of flotsam, our thoughts and emotions float all over the place, skimming, attaching and detaching from experiences, things and people. For a while, we connect with something or someone, becoming dependent on each other for happiness and peace of mind.

Our entire world is encompassed by that new connect and we give it the name of romance or love.  ­ Every waking thought focusses on the person we thus connect to, every emotion cries out to be shared, and every moment seeks that special connect. The happier the moments shared, the stronger becomes the bond and dependence. We sugarcoat and push to the bottom a lot of reality we would rather not deal with. In most relationships, we are living an illusion, choosing to skim over the sootier bits ­ till reality strikes forcefully.

As with the original umbilical cord, the time comes to be separated. We have fed enough on our experience with that person and both must move on in our individual journeys. This may or may not signify the end of a relationship, but it surely spells a tectonic shift. One moves on. Almost always this is not a conscious decision, but imposed and painful, as all separations are. However, the experience always leaves us wiser and richer ­ either because of the positivity it gave us, or the way its negativity strengthened us.

And so, for a while, you get thrown out into the cold, till you gather yourself again and the healing begins. Soon you are ready to dive back into life again with renewed vigour and determination.

However, what happens if a person gets stuck in that in-between stage, unable to overcome the pain ­ as happens so often?

Rima Sharma (name changed) is one such person who has been writing to me frequently, unable to comprehend the ending of what she describes as a beautiful and deep relationship. She is particularly upset because the man she was involved with started another relationship while they were still together. It is to Rima that I promised this article.

How nice it would be if she could control her memories and emotions and pull herself out of the painful situation. It is possible if she understands that emotions can be anchored and controlled. But how do you mend what you consider your broken heart?

Well, to begin with, it is important to understand that the heart never gets broken; it may get chipped, but most often the chip you are dealing with is on your shoulder. It is your ego that takes a beating; it is betrayal of faith that you cannot handle, an attachment to the happy memories that refuse to let go. You grab at straws that have floated away. You demean yourself -and then all at once, one small incident serves to wipe away the thin film of illusion that covers the reality underneath -and all the crap comes tumbling out. You have finally faced reality and are ready to push aside the pain and move on.

The secret then to moving on is to focus on what was always wrong with the relationship, rather than what was good about it. It was bad for you, so it broke; relationships that are good for us seldom break in this manner.

Once you understand this, it’s easy to bid a final goodbye ­ because deep within, you always knew how the land lay! And now, rid of the negativities, you realise all the good stuff you were blocking from your life by focussing on a vampire relationship that took more than it gave.

The rest of the tricks to moving on are known to all–­immerse yourself in work and hobbies; hang out with friends; count your blessings; list the things and people important to your well-being; boost your morale, and re-energise yourself by looking your best, walking your tallest and acting your most confident.

Forgive the one who betrayed you, but do not forget the betrayal. Give up on the relationship ­ but never give up on love.

11 Crazy Old Valentine's Day Cards That Would Never Exist Today

The Internet has a wonderful collection of vintage Valentine's Day cards. And by "wonderful," I mostly mean "horrifying." There's nary a "choo-choo-choose you" or Go-Bots valentine to be found but dozens and dozens of sexist, racist, violent and inadvertently hypersexual ones at every turn. 

I collected these 11 old valentines that would never fly today. Check 'em out...

1. I'm aiming straight at your heart.
   
   
   
   
   Considering a kid today gets suspended from school for biting a Pop Tart into the shape of a gun, I'm fairly sure a valentine where a little boy is popping off three rounds -- ostensibly at a girl's chest -- wouldn't make the cut. Even if there is an adorable bunny there to soften the blow.
   
2. My racist Valentine #1.
   
   
   
   
   There might not be a more jarring sight than old racist cartoons of black people. The scary part is -- this wasn't even the most offensive one. I found a valentine featuring a black character that was too horrifying to put on a list of horrifying valentines. If you must see it, it's here.
   
3. My racist Valentine #2.
   
   
   
   
   But, of course, black people weren't the only ones featured in grotesquely racist old valentines. Here, they apparently had a two-part agenda. 1. Squeeze as many Chinese stereotypes as possible into a relatively small space. 2. Um, connect it loosely to valentine's day (if there's time, which there almost certainly won't be).
   
4. The torrid secret love affair of two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bad guys.
   
   
   
   
   Yes, Bebop and Rocksteady were always up there with Batman and Robin and Ace and Gary when it came to a two-man cartoon duo you kinda believed were secretly in love. Today, gay tolerance is at its highest level in history -- still not particularly high, unfortunately, but improving. Let's keep on reaching for that rainbow, society! Anyway, a side effect of the tragically overdue expansion of gay tolerance has been to eradicate things like this valentine. Today's Valentine's would either explicitly celebrate gay love... or steer completely clear of anything that might even remotely have homosexual undertones.
   
5. I ain't afraid of pirates, I love that caveman stuff...
   
   
   
   
   In the Law & Order: SVU era, there's no place for adorable girls to talk about how they like it rough. This valentine would actually give Olivia Benson such a massive heart attack that Ice-T might actually have to take the lead on his first case ever.
   
6. It "strikes me" that I love you!
   
   
   
   
   This kid has a sledgehammer and bad intentions. Even one of those two things would be enough to get this blacklisted today.
   
7. Can't I bring you to your knees too?
   
   
   
   
   I know this one is really bad when it took me until my now -- as I'm revising my final draft of this list -- to figure out it wasn't actually depicting a woman givin' it to a bull. During research for this list, photo editing, uploading and writing the first draft I thought that's what was going down.
   
8. Blow me down!
   
   
   
   
   When I was a kid, we would've been laughing about the term "blow me down" by about 4th grade. Which means today's kids would understand it about 17 minutes into kindergarten.
   
9. You're unusual.
   
   
   
   
   Today, you're only allowed to say, "You're unusual" to a kid if it's followed by, "and that what makes you special and perfect and the world will provide you with everything you ever want." You CANNOT follow, "You're unusual" with, "because you're a girl with a beard."
   
10. I get a "bang" out of you!
    
    
    
    
    Obviously the sexual connotation here is a problem; can't have kids talking about banging each other. And featuring a deadly, zero-tolerance busting weapon like a hammer just -- err -- puts another nail in the coffin. I've been reading kids' valentines all day. My pun game might be a little loose.
    
11. I'll be sunk if you won't be my valentine!
    
    
    
    
    These days we're far less likely to suggest elementary school kids should kill themselves over a failed crush. But beyond that -- there's so much wrong with this valentine. Is it only featuring a skunk because the key word is "sunk"? Isn't shooting yourself in the head and jumping off a pier with a rock tied to you -- pardon the expression -- overkill? And, most important: Where can *I* get a rock made out of funfetti?