I am taken for granted

“I’m always taken for granted” is a very common line. So many people I meet feel that their entire life is spent taking care of others, catering to their needs, their demands and their wishes and that very rarely do they get even a degree of that in reciprocity.

Spiritually is said to be something that we should do for others without expectation of personal reward or gain. But then again… if we are going to be spiritual about it… where is the law of karma and why doesn’t it work here? Besides, we are human and we want to know that the person we are showing so much affection towards cares back.

I think giving is a healthy habit. Emotionally, physically or financially, being a giver is a great head space to be in. It makes you feel good, happy and positive about people and life. But it’s when you overdo the giving and feel saddened that people do not appreciate you adequately for it, that giving becomes toxic. The karma of positive giving is negated by not receiving in return.

You need to realise that everyone is playing a role and you have chosen yours. The requirements and boundaries of your role have been crafted by no one but you and you need to accept your role as your chosen responsibility. And if you choose to go beyond the requirements of that role and add frills and extras and it reaches a point that for whatever reason that the giving becomes painful, then simply stop it.

Every story of wisdom has a ‘moral of the story’ end note. The moral of the ‘story of giving’ is that no one forced you to do extra, no one is going to force you to stop, so simply stop. If it’s missed, they will make it worth your while to turn the tap back on.

I am a 33-year-old guy and my parents are looking out for a girl for me. However, I have been dating someone seriously for the past six months. Since she belongs to another caste, my parents are objecting to the match. I would really like to spend the rest of my life with her. What should I do?

Let them know you will be respectfully rejecting all proposals from other girls, to not waste their time. Have their close friends or family talk to them about how times have changed and that inter-caste marriages are not an exception anymore and neither are they harmful or unlawful. Ask them to meet her, get to know her and base their approval or disapproval on the kind of person she is and not what she was born into.

I am a 32-year-old woman and in love with a man who is 40-year-old. He wants to tie the knot with me soon but I am not in a hurry. How should I speak to him about the same? Please help.

Emotionally and physically let him know you are committed to him and verbally establish a time frame within which you will settle down with him. At least he will have some sort of parameters to work with and can adjust mentally too.

Happiness is just a touch or sound away!

Emotional flotsam looks for an anchor, and if you understand that and consciously choose your cues, you can be on top of your emotions and choose the way you feel at any time!

Have you ever experienced a fleeting, unattached memory that has surprised you, coming as it does from nowhere, often in the middle of an activity that is completely unrelated? For instance, sometimes, I suddenly remember the street corner my home was on several years ago; other times I am revisited by a clear vision of myself on the emerald greens outside a British castle I visited more than a decade ago! You wonder what triggered the memory of that seemingly inconsequential moment, but then shrug and move on.

However, several visitations later, you realise there must have been something special, almost magical about that moment, which visits you repeatedly across time and space, even though you cannot figure out what. Most probably, it was the emotion attached with it.

I have long wondered and worried about such emotional flotsam that evokes uncalled for memories or momentary emotions that pass on. In fact, science has a term for it ­ involuntary memory, when cues from everyday life evoke past recollections without any conscious effort on our part. It is almost like these moments or incidents are attached to a stimulant or trigger one is unaware of ­ ever heard of the concept of anchoring emotions? Experts explain that most of us can and do anchor emotions onto activities, even to simple acts.

Our sensory experiences get associated with incidents and trigger memories. Sometimes the intensity of a moment in which you were completely present in the `now’ gets associated with a smell, an action, a sight or a sound, which will always whisk you back to that moment. So the smell of a barbecue may remind you of a bad moment you had at a picnic many years ago where there may have been a barbecue around without your remembering it.The sound of a buzzing bee may transport you to a pleasant moment in childhood. Did you know, when a woman plunges her hand into her oversized bag and withdraws the exact lipstick she is looking for, she is relying on her haptic touch memory?

Scientists suggest that sensory memory -memories triggered by sound (echoic), smell (olfactory), sight (visual), taste or touch (haptic memory) -bypass the logical part of the mind and travel to the seat of instinct and memory, the primitive part of the brain. And so, sometimes memories and sometimes just the emotion associated with them can be vividly recalled upon being presented with the trigger. A study at the National Institute of Neuroscience in Turin, Italy, reveals that the same part of the brain involved in processing our senses is also responsible for storing emotional memories. So that effectively explains the involuntary memory recalls and fleeting emotional impressions we may get at times. Though mostly a subconscious association, therapists suggest this knowledge can be used to create voluntary connects that can help people. For instance, if while feeling an intense emotion such as happiness, you have been in the habit of rubbing your fingertips to your forehead, the same action in the future can instantly recall that happiness all over again even without any other trigger. This can effectively be used in moments when you desperately need a dose of happiness.

This ability helps patients in the process of recovering from emotional turmoil. Those affected are advised to avoid actions that are associated with memories that tear them apart. This lessens the frequency and intensity of the painful memories. And with a focus on actions or sensory experiences that evoke happy memories, the process of healing can be hastened. Experts suggest that this can be done by repeatedly recalling happy healing memories and associating them with an action such as, for instance, opening your hand wide and shutting it.

Thus, by turning involuntary memory into a process of voluntary, deliberate recall of happy memories, one can walk around with a bagful of happiness, calm, positivity and healing available literally ­ a touch, smell, taste, sound or sight away.

To heal a broken heart…

In most relationships, we are living an illusion, choosing to skim over the sootier bits ­ till reality strikes forcefully

Much like pieces of flotsam, our thoughts and emotions float all over the place, skimming, attaching and detaching from experiences, things and people. For a while, we connect with something or someone, becoming dependent on each other for happiness and peace of mind.

Our entire world is encompassed by that new connect and we give it the name of romance or love.  ­ Every waking thought focusses on the person we thus connect to, every emotion cries out to be shared, and every moment seeks that special connect. The happier the moments shared, the stronger becomes the bond and dependence. We sugarcoat and push to the bottom a lot of reality we would rather not deal with. In most relationships, we are living an illusion, choosing to skim over the sootier bits ­ till reality strikes forcefully.

As with the original umbilical cord, the time comes to be separated. We have fed enough on our experience with that person and both must move on in our individual journeys. This may or may not signify the end of a relationship, but it surely spells a tectonic shift. One moves on. Almost always this is not a conscious decision, but imposed and painful, as all separations are. However, the experience always leaves us wiser and richer ­ either because of the positivity it gave us, or the way its negativity strengthened us.

And so, for a while, you get thrown out into the cold, till you gather yourself again and the healing begins. Soon you are ready to dive back into life again with renewed vigour and determination.

However, what happens if a person gets stuck in that in-between stage, unable to overcome the pain ­ as happens so often?

Rima Sharma (name changed) is one such person who has been writing to me frequently, unable to comprehend the ending of what she describes as a beautiful and deep relationship. She is particularly upset because the man she was involved with started another relationship while they were still together. It is to Rima that I promised this article.

How nice it would be if she could control her memories and emotions and pull herself out of the painful situation. It is possible if she understands that emotions can be anchored and controlled. But how do you mend what you consider your broken heart?

Well, to begin with, it is important to understand that the heart never gets broken; it may get chipped, but most often the chip you are dealing with is on your shoulder. It is your ego that takes a beating; it is betrayal of faith that you cannot handle, an attachment to the happy memories that refuse to let go. You grab at straws that have floated away. You demean yourself -and then all at once, one small incident serves to wipe away the thin film of illusion that covers the reality underneath -and all the crap comes tumbling out. You have finally faced reality and are ready to push aside the pain and move on.

The secret then to moving on is to focus on what was always wrong with the relationship, rather than what was good about it. It was bad for you, so it broke; relationships that are good for us seldom break in this manner.

Once you understand this, it’s easy to bid a final goodbye ­ because deep within, you always knew how the land lay! And now, rid of the negativities, you realise all the good stuff you were blocking from your life by focussing on a vampire relationship that took more than it gave.

The rest of the tricks to moving on are known to all–­immerse yourself in work and hobbies; hang out with friends; count your blessings; list the things and people important to your well-being; boost your morale, and re-energise yourself by looking your best, walking your tallest and acting your most confident.

Forgive the one who betrayed you, but do not forget the betrayal. Give up on the relationship ­ but never give up on love.