Decoding the selfie: The mirror reversed?

That the selfie is some kind of a clue to the times we live in is difficult to argue with. Its ubiquity is everywhere, if one may be allowed to mirror the superfluous abundance of the phenomenon in question. It seems to be an impulse that is difficult to fight, and multiplied with the popularity of smartphones and social media sites, the world becomes a receptacle for countless images of the self. It is in the eyes of many, a sign of the narcissism that pervades this age, as our love for the self spills over into the firm conviction that the world needs us on endless rotation, as we go through the excruciatingly trivial moments of our life.

This is both true and a little unfair. For at one level, the selfie is just an extension of an age-old desire- to somehow pin down the slippery nature of the self. It is a central paradox of our lives that we are unable to grasp our being as others grasp it. We see everything in the world through an intensely experienced entity that we know to be ourselves but we cannot simultaneously turn the gaze inwards in any satisfying way. The mirror produced the earliest selfies, but the mirror showed the self as a tremulous being, that was always dying to escape from itself, with every little movement indicative of subsequent flight. One could watch oneself completely still, but one could only see oneself seeing oneself in the mirror. The mirror owned the person looking into it; it froze the watcher into being a mirror image of itself.

Trying to shoot oneself in the mirror was a fruitless exercise for we wound up shooting ourselves in the face, so to speak. Obscured by the camera, the attempt mocked us for it was an existential dead-end, the erasure of the very face that we wanted captured; erased by our effort to capture it. The camera that we used to shoots ourselves, became the reason why we could not be shot. A satisfyingly neat irony, if one likes that sort of thing.

The selfie is an attempt to escape the confines of the mirror. It uses profusion as a way of grasping the self in motion as it navigates different roles and contexts. It still needs one hand to be used in the capture of the self, but it does allow us to be doing things we do without being locked up in the mirror. We might be tied to an arm’s length of ourselves, but the selfie captures for future consumption many versions of a quicksilver self. The selfie is a photograph without carrying with it the studied formality that accompanies the act of being photographed. Beginning with its name which suggests that the self is an endearing pet of some kind that one scratches the belly of while cooing adorable names to it in a made-up language, the selfie breaks down the apparent solidness attached to the idea of an individual into a gel-like intermediate state, one that avoids concrete definition and easy categorization. The self is imagined as a blur of different intentions, rather than as a settled mode of being.

It is also part of a need to get inside the self a little better, to unravel it in different ways. This takes many forms, including the rash of self-administered quizzes that we can take on social media sites. Which tyrant from history do you most closely resemble? What kind of salad vegetable are you? Myself watercress. We look for some understanding and then flaunt it to the world, seeking validation which is easy to get- some obliging person will ‘like’ this form in which we present ourselves.

Like the signature, the selfie is an affirmation of one’s existence from one’s own perspective. There is a phase in life when we scribble our signature everywhere; this in spite of the fact that as a carrier of identity, the signature is completely detached from any kind of reality. It does not evoke who we are, except through a scribbled form of a code called language. The selfie is at some basic level, a similar exercise in multiplying a sensation of the self.

But the selfie does much more for it is part of a much more significant shift beginning to take place. As the popularity of Instagram establishes, the selfie is the beginning of a more visual culture that is starting to take root. On Instagram, the individual does not merely become the subject of the camera; she becomes the camera. What gets presented is a non-textual account one’s life that follows a very different grammar of communication. The world of text is one of logic and sequence where meaning strives to universality while the narrative that is made up of a series of photographs comes with no prefabricated meaning and it is the viewer who puts it together in her head as she deems fit. The selfie, as the basic unit of a visual vocabulary, becomes the starting point of a fascinating journey in a new kind of narrative.

That does not mean that the selfie is not narcissistic but that it is much more. The human need to come to terms with the strangeness of one’s physical self even as we celebrate its familiarity has found a new mode of expression. The unbundling of the individual is in progress, and the need to understand the self much better and to circulate this newfound knowledge to the world in ever newer ways. The self is being imbued with much greater significance but it is also simultaneously in the process of being grasped in finer detail. The universe is no longer something that resides outside; even the individual is being imagined as one. The selfie looks out at the world but also wants to look in and find something that has so far eluded grasp.

Would the iPhone Exist If Steve Jobs Did Not Take LSD?

Nearly two months ago I took my first hit of acid.

The most profound experience I remember from that day was how blown away I was with the apps on my iPhone. How different, how beautiful and yet oxymoronically, how similar they were to each other compared to my pre-acid perception.

I also remember having this child-like sense of awe with the phone itself; its internal and external design features, a lucid dream behind a glass screen. It was the mirror-image sensation of the awe I had when I laid eyes on the first iPod Touch.

Upon unboxing the iPod Touch, I had nothing else in the world to compare it to. Yes, there was the Nintendo from my early childhood, the PlayStation, the computer, the cell phone, the internet, but as sufficiently advanced as those technologies were, to me, their magic was meager to the Touch.

Back to the acid:

The LSD did not take me on a “trip,” but to take my metaphor further, it let me unbox the world for the first time. Acid didn’t allow me to “think outside the box,” it allowed me to “live outside the box”; to hold the world and feel the world hold me.

It doesn’t surprise me that Jobs put “i” in front of most of Apple’s product names. After all, “i” is an effective way to symbolize both perception through “eye” and individuality through “I.” It also doesn’t surprise me that the first iPod Touch was essentially the world’s first “touch” technology. A sensory amalgamation of sight and kinesthesia; shifting realms of reality, like those that envelop the first time acid takers ego, their “I”.

Interestingly, when being asked how Steve Jobs reacted to LSD during a government security clearance, he answered that he had “no words” for it. He did, however, share that:

“It was a positive life changing experience for me and I am glad I went through that experience.”

The full quote from Walter Isaacson’s book, Steve Jobs.

If someone had asked me how I reacted to the iPod touch, I would have answered similarly. Words like “magical,” “erotic,” “profound,” and “beautiful” all fall short. It’s not that language itself is the limiting technology, but our capacity to synchronize it effectively with our emotions.

Where am I going with this?

Well, I came to the conclusion, a self-realization I should say, the Steve Jobs would not have invented the iPhone had he not taken LSD.

I arrived at this realization by examining my feelings about the iPod Touch when I had first “taken” it, as one would an exogenous substance. The feelings I felt about the world, people, myself, beauty, and everything else, after taking LSD, showed me the former was an expression, a containment, a symbol, a vessel, a carbon copy, of the latter.

My belief is that Steve Jobs, at some point in his life, decided he would give as many people across the world access to a connection, a love, an experience, so deep, as deep as he had with LSD, but through his work.

Whereas a musician might write and sing for the same purpose, to create, express, connect, and evolve further with his audience, the iPhone was made as a synonym, of sorts, to the experience of psychedelia.

Nine hours after my first dose of acid, I fell asleep at 6AM. Later that day I was interested to see if anyone else had made the same connection between LSD and Steve Jobs’s creation as I had. There were two interesting articles. The first was from Times, and it was titled ‘Steve Jobs Had LSD. We Have the iPhone‘:

“The paradoxes of love have perhaps never been clearer than in our relationships with Apple products — the warm, fleshy desire we feel for such cold, hard, glassy objects. But Jobs knew how to inspire material lust. He knew that consumers want something that not only sparkles and awes, but also feels accessible, easy to use, an object with which we want to merge and to feel one and the same.

Not coincidentally, that’s how people describe the experience of taking psychedelic drugs. It feels profoundly artificial yet deeply real, both high-tech and earthy-crunchy, human and mystically divine — in a word, transcendent. Jobs had this experience. He said that taking LSD was one of the two or three most important things he’d ever done. “He said there were things about him that people who had not tried psychedelics — even people who knew him well, including his wife — could never understand.

As attested by the nearly spiritual devotion so many consumers have to Jobs’ creations, the former Apple chief (and indeed many other top technology pioneers) appeared to have found enduring inspiration in LSD. Research shows that the psychedelic experience is, in fact, long lasting: a new study published last week found that people who took magic mushrooms (psilocybin) had long-term personality changes, becoming more open, more curious, more intellectually engaged and more creative. These personality shifts persisted more than a year after taking the drugs.

– John Markoff reported for the Times.

The second was from Metro News and it was titled ‘The Apple that Steve Jobs built based on sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll‘. Mr. Dormehl told Metro:

“You have Jim Warren, the creator of the West Coast Computer Faire. In the ‘60s, he was a full-blown hippie. He joined anti-war protests, he joined a commune — the whole shebang. He was also hosting naked house parties and dropping acid.’

Jobs certainly grew up in the thick of the 60s revolution. Allen Ginsberg wrote his seminal poem Howl, one of the most popular of the counterculture generation, only a few months after Steve Jobs was born in 1955, in a coffee house just one hour away from where the future Apple CEO enjoyed his childhood in California.

Mr Dormehl said: ‘Certainly, if we didn’t have this revolution which went on in the 1960s and 1970s, which was largely fuelled by drug use and LSD exploration, giving people new ways of looking at the world, personal computer technology wouldn’t have developed along the same lines that it did.

‘Before Apple, computers were seen as these sinister government mainframes that regular people wouldn’t have access to.

‘After Apple, suddenly personal computers are these tools of freedom fighting and tools of personal creativity.’

In their 1991 profile of Jobs, the FBI noted: ‘Mr Jobs may have experimented with illegal drugs, having come from that generation.’”

Is All Acid Corrosive?

Before taking LSD I thought the experience would be mostly visual, and if anything, very confusing. When I thought of an acid experience, I thought of people sitting in the corners of rooms for days, thinking they’re oranges and scratching their skin off. I thought of things like MKUltra and A Clockwork Orange. I thought of things like hallucinogen persisting perception disorder and being arrested.

Two or three weeks after taking acid for the first time, I compared these notions to what I actually experienced. There was a glaring disconnect between what I expected psychedelics to be and what they actually were. After doing some digging on LSD research, I stumbled across an article titled ‘Dr. Robin Carhart-Harris is the first scientist in over 40 years to test LSD on humans — and you’re next‘.

Here’s an extract:

Professor David Nutt, the director of the Neuropsychopharmacology Unit where Carhart-Harris is doing the research […] has written extensively about the wrong-headedness of the current drug laws. “It is absurd to treat LSD and psilocybin as more dangerous than heroin,” he tells me. In a 2010 study published in The Lancet, following on from the work that led to his controversial sacking from the chair of the Government’s Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs the year before, Professor Nutt ranked the 20 most commonly used drugs according to the evidence for the overall amount of harm they do to the users and to society. Psilocybin came last, with an overall harm score of six, and LSD came 18th with a score of seven, compared with alcohol’s 72 and heroin’s 55.

When I ask why LSD was prohibited, he has a surprisingly simple three-word answer: “the Vietnam war”. Essentially, when its use spread to the general population in the mid 1960s, “Young Americans realised they didn’t want to fight any more. That brought a huge tension into society. So they had to create reasons for banning the drug. Everyone knew the arguments were totally specious. But no one stood up.”

Carhart-Harris has a further explanation: “Psychedelics are scary because they reveal the mind, and people are scared of their own minds. They’re scared of the human condition, really.”

LSD is banned from medical research in the U.S. due to its classification as a Schedule I substance under the Controlled Substances Act of 1970. A Schedule I substance is defined as having no safe dose with any medical supervision (such as one that would be conducted under a strict research experiment), and as having no accepted medical use.

Just like marijuana, LSD is non-addictive, but both substances continue to be categorized as Schedule I substances. Furthermore, today in 2015, it is still not possible to research LSD or mushrooms in the U.S., whereas addictive substances such as methamphetamine can not only be researched, but also prescribed for treatment of ADHD and weight loss under the name of Desoxyn.

I don’t consider myself knowledgeable enough to provide an argument for the legalization of psychedelics, and I probably never will if LSD and mushrooms remain unavailable for medical research. This has to change.

Compared to cocaine and heroin, I know absolutely nothing about the short-term effects, long-term effects, benefits, or downsides of psychedelics; and that’s all because it’s legally not possible for researchers to administer experimental doses (of substances that entrepreneurs, musicians, artists, scientists, “trippers,” and everyday people have been taking for hundreds of centuries combined) to willing volunteers.

What little research there is seems at odds with the mainstream taboos:

“In Johns Hopkins’ ongoing program of psilocybin research, scientists have treated over 150 volunteers in 350 drug-trial sessions. Although many participants experienced at least some type of anxiety reaction while on the drug, none of them reported lasting harm, and 70% rated the experience as one of the top five most meaningful events of their lives, comparable to the birth of a first child or the loss of a parent.”

There is plenty of anecdotal evidence all over the internet, by people of all walks of life:

“Based on my own LSD experience I would concur, second only to the birth of my son (which wouldn’t have happened if not for my earlier LSD experience).”

Then there’s also the experiences of some of the best musicians of our time:

“The Beatles, Santana, Jimi Hendrix, Grateful Dead, Eminem, Green Day, Jefferson Airplane, Pink Floyd, the Moody Blues, Fatboy Slim, Suede, the Doors, Cream, and Janis Joplin are just a few of the artists known to use acid as part of their creative process.” — Hijacked

Not to mention that the most interesting experiences shared might not even come from musicians and entrepreneurs, but from people online having “documented” their thought process while taking acid for the first time:

“Why am I here? I dont belong. Work my life away for essential worthless? and IOU from a personal bank? in comparison to spending time with my faimly and friends creating memories instead. Why can’t I find my meaning? Is it staring me in the face? Is it happiness? how do I achieve this? 2.) Society, I don’t understand, I don’t belong to this. The majority of people I see only care for their personal comfort. Not the senseless war and killing of human beings so long as it doesn’t interfere with their personal comfort. There’s always something to fight and die for? Why? Why can’t we as a society catch on to the meaniless cycles we keep repeating. Over and Over again. Work, work, work, war, war, war. Followed by distractions to keep unfocused.”

So why the disconnect? Conspiracy? Illuminati? Aliens? I think it was much simpler.

Carhart-Harris’s believes LSD was originally banned because:

“Psychedelics are scary because they reveal the mind, and people are scared of their own minds. They’re scared of the human condition, really.”

Before taking LSD for the first time I was afraid, putting myself through a state of consciousness I had never experienced.

What if I kill myself? What if I say something really absurd because of the acid and people think I’m crazy? What if I say something really absurd because the acid lets me, and I convince people that I actually believe it, because I actually do, and people think I’m crazy? What if I run outside or yell or get arrested? What if I get in a car and start driving?

It is clear to me now, that everything I was afraid about doing on psychedelics, was not a fear of what I would do differently, but a fear of what I might truly want to do in normal life. For example, in the past I’ve suffered with suicidal thoughts, and I was worried I would hurt myself because that’s what I may have wanted to do all along. Needless to say, even this wasn’t worth fretting over.

A poem I wrote in my room while on LSD

As a kid I wasn’t the best at not letting my curiosity or patience get the best of me. You’ve probably done the same thing yourself before: need to be at least 13 years or older to join Facebook? Click, 1990, next. Need to read a 100-paged terms of agreement that says your location, habits, and personal information can be stored and shared with just about anyone if you sign up? Click agree, next.

If acid had a terms of agreement, I’d imagine they would look something like this:

WAIVER OF LIABILITY FOR THE ACID OR MUSHROOMS YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE:

Possibilities are as follows: profound life experiences, paranoia, life-long perception altering realizations, unrealized life passions and goals, acute anxiety, depression, flashbacks, suicide, distortion of time and space, movements and patterns of people and surfaces, belief that you’re an alien, belief that you’re an avatar, kissing floors, painting, drawing, watching videos and feeling like you’re in them, long-lasting psychoses such as schizophrenia or severe depression, fear of insanity, death, terrifying thoughts and feelings, hearing colors and seeing sounds, rapid emotions, new emotions, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, sleeplessness, dry mouth, tremors, nausea, weakness of the limbs, inability to speak, weakness of the lips, paranoia of choking, sweating, high body temperatures, hallucinations, delusions, desire to be naked, desire to be clothed in multiple layers, desire to drive, desire to ride a bicycle, desire to have sex, desire to learn something new, desire to engage in marijuana smoking, feeling as amazed by the world as the psychedelics wear of as when they first kicked in, hoping that psychedelic patterns and thoughts remain throughout your life at least at one percent intensity, and many other possibilities. Not to mention that any psychedelic experience is often 100% unpredictable, and no matter what you think about “tripping” before putting such a substance in your body will prepare you for anything that you’re going to discover once it kicks in.

I know I don’t regret reading those long terms of agreement pages or waiting until I turned 13 to make an email account, play RuneScape, or play teen-rated video games. I also know I don’t regret doing barely any research into what acid was before placing a little white piece of paper on my tongue, holding it there, and waiting to experience something I had no idea of what to expect going in, simply because it was available, non-addicting, and promising.

If someone made me sign a waiver of liability like the one written above before taking acid, I would have done so without reading it, as I did with the CoSM entry ticket papers and various other important papers I should have read in my life before signing.

I don’t know how Steve Jobs would have reacted to a similar waiver had it been placed in front of him before embarking on any of the things he did in his life, but I like to imagine he would have shared my frivolity.

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

– Steve Jobs

ACiD

Steve Jobs said “You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backward.” When I connect the dots I see a clear line between the iPhone and LSD.

“You’re born alone, you’re going to die alone,” he said. “And does anything else really matter? I mean what is it exactly is it that you have to lose Steve? You know? There’s nothing.”

However Mr Jobs’s views softened after he became ill, Mr Isaacson told a CBS 60 Minutes programme marking the release of the book ‘Steve Jobs’ on Monday.

“Maybe it’s ‘cos I want to believe in an afterlife,” he recalled Mr Jobs saying. “That when you die, it doesn’t just all disappear. The wisdom you’ve accumulated. Somehow it lives on.

– (Steve Jobs refused on/off switch for iPhone because he hoped there was an afterlife)The Telegraph

Whether LSD really was responsible for the development of the iPhone, to me, is a moot point. Of course, genetics, environment and randomness played a huge part. The point of this post is the question, not the answer: Would the iPhone Exist If Steve Jobs Did Not Take LSD? If this question can be legitimately asked, analyzed, and considered plausible then surely that says as much about the potential nature of LSD as any small-scale study could.

Can LSD enrich the world? I don’t know. But I’m not gonna stop asking until I do.

You just don’t understand! Communication Of Language

Effective communication is not dependent on language alone; emotions, mental and spiritual levels, and intent play a role too

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus ­ and they often talk Greek to each other. Misunderstandings and talking at cross-purposes are common between the sexes, as people struggle to project their views to each other. But then, often you don’t even have to be from different planets or belong to different sexes to be talking a language that is not understood by another.

When a woman tells her lover, “You will never understand!“ it is not the words or language she refers to, but the underlying emotions and her deeper desires and intent. She yearns for the lover to empathise with her viewpoint.The man may not say the same, but he too despairs of his beloved ever viewing things from his perspective. They are just wired so differently. A woman needs emotional succour and consistent connect– ­that is what feeds her femininity. On the other hand, a man needs to withdraw at regular intervals in order to reassure himself of his space and independence– ­that is what bolsters his masculinity.With such mutually exclusive needs, is it surprising there are so many misunderstandings and conflicts? Developing sensitivity and deep confidence in each other are important in the struggle to communicate effectively.

`You just don’t understand’ is also the frequent complaint of adolescents to parents. Parents do understand; maybe they don’t agree, and their reasons for not doing so come from the perspective of better experience and knowledge.The same adolescents grow up one day to view the situation from the perspective of those very parents.

The problem in both cases is obviously not a language issue, but one of differing perspectives. The only way to understand the other’s point of view is to be able to put yourself in his or her shoes. Empathy is a critical part of effective engagement. You have to be able to look at things from another’s perspective to understand how to better communicate with him or her.

Communication with a loved one is not dependent on language or words alone; emotions are certainly a critical element. An indication of this is that the English language has more than 600 words to describe emotions verbally. Humans have 43 facial muscles to help express emotions physically. And, though we speak 6,000 languages around the world, 90 per cent people across cultures can understand if another is feeling happy, sad, angry or surprised, just by looking at their faces!

However, talking at cross-purposes can also happen when there is a knowledge or information disconnect. When a teacher upbraids students for not understanding something, he is not referring to lack of empathy, but to a lack of knowledge and experience. From where the teacher stands metaphorically, knowledge is the bridge between him and the students who cannot grasp what he understands easily. The same goes for professionals, where skills and practice bridge the gap. Emotions will not help one gain knowledge or professional skills, though passion could be a good starting point.

And then there is the gap in understanding between people operating on different trajectories, when mental and spiritual levels or inclinations vary vastly. A spiritually-inclined colleague gave me interesting advice. “It is a waste of time and energy to communicate with those who are several steps away from one’s mental and spiritual level,“ he said. “They will never understand or appreciate your viewpoint. It is better to engage with those at par with one, or a level or so away.“

Sounds like good sense. Similar mental and spiritual levels play as important a role as emotion and empathy in the art of speaking a language understood and appreciated by another. No point explaining geometric algorithms to one who doesn’t understand basic calculation. Why beat your head and waste time when you could be more productively engaged with another?

And then of course, we cannot forget intent.Where there is an intention to misunderstand, how can you ever hope to be understood? As a friend is fond of saying, “You are confused only because you wish to be confused…“

5 Body Language Tricks That Give You Power

Over 7,000 different languages are spoken around the world—so many that linguists estimate one language dies out every two weeks. But one of the most important languages to your life, one that affects your every interaction with others, is communicated without a sound.

Your brain is hyper-sensitive to body language, reading and judging others by their movements and postures on a subconscious level. Body language is perceived by a more primitive part of the brain, the limbic system. Directly connected to the visual and premotor cortexes, this information bypasses your conscious processing center, giving you an innate understanding of whether a person is weaker or more powerful than you without them saying a word. Whether you’re feeling nervous, aggressive or confident, your motions will silently communicate how you’re feeling to others.

Luckily, understanding body language cues can help you project confidence and avoid weakness. Tonight, Brain Games investigates the science of power poses; and these five moves equal dominance:

1. Show your thumbs.

Do you fold your hands or fidget with your fingers when you speak? Pay careful attention to your thumbs. The thumb is your dominant finger, strongest in motor function, and its movement can reveal to others how you’re feeling. When you’re feeling confident or powerful, your hands literally become more territorial, expanding the space between your fingers.

On the flip side, this space disappears when you feel insecure or stressed, causing you to tuck your thumbs under your fingers. As a result, others may see you as fearful or lacking confidence if your hands are fidgeting and your thumbs hidden, as seen in this woman below. 

2. Teepee your fingers.

If your hands dictate how others judge your confidence, teepeeing your fingers is the ultimate power play.

A popular move among world leaders, placing your hands in a steeple gesture signals confidence and dominance over others, indicating that you’re thinking or evaluating something. To achieve this posture, lightly touch your fingertips together with your hands pointing up, in the shape of a church’s steeple, like the man below. The light touch is important – using this posture too forcefully can convey arrogance. Similarly, pointing your hands downward in this motion can show that you’re attentive and listening to someone, a move you also may want to use.

3.  Hold your head high – and don’t touch your neck.

If you’re feeling nervous, focus on keeping your hands planted in front of you. Touching your neck is a common self-soothing action people use in responding to stress. Your neck hosts nerve endings that reduce your blood pressure and lower your heart rate when stroked, so people instinctually reach for their necks when they’re nervous and need to calm down. When you rub the back of your neck, fiddle with a necklace or fix your tie, you’re signaling to others that you’re in distress.

Touching your neck isn’t the only way to signal nerves. When you’re lacking confidence in your situation, your neck even starts to disappear, as your shoulders rise and your head sinks in. Neck shrinking is also a cue for lying or deception. So if you’re feeling nervous in an unpleasant situation, fight the urge to behave like this distressed-looking man below. Keep your hands away from your neck and hold your head high.

4. Take up space.

Posture is another crucial body language cue. Taking up space by making yourself larger indicates power, while shrinking into your chair or slumping over a smartphone dictates the opposite.

Researchers have found that posing expansively results in elevated levels of testosterone, the hormone linked to confidence and power, and decreases cortisol levels, which may lower anxiety. Another recent Harvard study concluded that that practicing expansive poses before a high-stress setting, like a job interview or presentation, can improve performance.

If you want to command respect from others, stand or sit up straight and keep your arms uncrossed and away from your sides. However, expanding your body too much – like this man below – can indicate aggression. Be wary of encroaching on other people’s personal space.

5. Stand up.

Elevating yourself over other people is a serious power pose. Standing commands attention and respect from others, while sitting down is more passive.

If you’re really trying to dominate in a situation, stand and lean slightly forward, placing your hands down on a table. Whether you’re finishing a presentation, negotiating a situation or closing a deal, standing and leaning forward shows to others that you’re in a position of dominance.

source- Nationalgeographic

When Sorry Isn’t Enough

One of life’s essential leadership skills is the art of the apology.  Part of being human is that we all make mistakes, say the wrong thing, and misread others.  We hurt people sometimes knowingly and sometimes not.

Some people have a difficult time saying, “I am sorry” while others are able to say it freely.

But is sorry enough?

• Ever hear the words “I am sorry” but it didn’t do it for you?
• Have you ever apologized to someone only to find that it almost fell flat?
• What if there was a specific language of apology that changed everything?

Gary Chapman is the author of the 5 Love Languages® series and director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants.  Jennifer Thomas is an author, speaker, and psychologist.  Their new book When Sorry Isn’t Enough taught me why “I am sorry” is often not good enough.  I recently had the opportunity to connect with Dr. Thomas and talk about the art of the apology, relationships, forgiveness and trust.

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“Forgiveness holds the power to give renewed life to the relationship.” –Chapman / Thomas

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Sorry Isn’t Always Enough

Why did you decide to research and study the apology?

Several years ago, I made a mistake that led to an argument with my husband. Ironically, this incident happened the evening before we were to teach about communication and forgiveness to a pre-marital class at our church.  As he and I worked through our own argument, I offered an apology to him that failed to hit the mark.  I was thinking to myself, “This is not good. We are barely speaking and yet we are supposed to teach together tomorrow.”

Normally, I might have been miffed by his response, but this time my curiosity took over and so I asked him what he would like to hear in my apology.  While I had been saying, “I’m sorry,” he needed to hear me say, “I was wrong.”  I hadmade a mistake, and I knew I was in the wrong, so I went ahead and said it to my husband.  I was amazed by how quickly this apology worked. My husband felt better, and the emotional tension between the two of us slipped away.

I made a mental note to include my husband’s favorite words in future apologies I would give to him.  I wondered if our experience might help other people who are in the “doghouse” and don’t know how to get out of there.

The Language of Apology

How did you connect your ideas with Dr. Chapman’s love languages?

I had met Gary Chapman locally through my work as a psychologist in private practice in North Carolina.  I was curious about his thoughts on apologies.  I thought to myself, “Just as you should show love in a language that really speaks to others, you should also speak apologies that contain the words they are waiting to hear.”  Six months later, I made an appointment to talk over these ideas with him.  Dr. Chapman was very encouraging, and we ended up writing a book together.

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“Genuine apology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation.” –Chapman / Thomas

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If you are close to someone, it’s inevitable that you’ll need to apologize to them. How can you be prepared to speak their apology language?

Here are a couple of conversation starters that will help you be prepared when the need to apologize arises. Ask the people who are closest to you:

1. When you hear a great apology, what is included?
2. When you hear a lame apology, what is missing?

You can also click on my website’s “free resources” tab to take the apology language and love language assessments for free.

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“Trust is that gut-level confidence that you will do what you say you will do.” –Chapman / Thomas

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Why I Am Sorry is Hard to Say

Why is it hard for many of us to say, “I was wrong”?

This is often difficult because saying, “I was wrong,” means that you are accepting responsibility for the problem.  Some people don’t like to do this because it requires them to swallow their pride and admit wrongdoing.

Problems also arise when people feel that they are not solely to blame.  They might be willing to admit fault, but they want the other side to do that, as well.

I encourage people to say it when they know they were in the wrong and to do so without a requirement for the other side to give you the gift of an apology in return.

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“Repentence begins with an expression of intent to change.” – Chapman / Thomas

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What moves an apology into the “genuine” apology category?

Other writers have given “magic words” for a successful apology, but our book is different.  Our premise is that what one person considers to be a genuine apology is not what another person considers to be a strong apology.  In order to show your sincerity when you apologize, we say that you must use the particular phrase or “apology language” that the other person is waiting to hear.

Excuses

Many apologies include a “yes, but” statement as an excuse or a way to shift the blame back to others.  Why do many of us do this?

This is the biggest apology mistake I see.  Too often, people erase their feeble apologies by adding “BUT” and then passing along blame to others.  In order to give an outstanding apology, you should offer a sincere apology and then STOP while you are ahead.  If you feel you must offer something by way of explanation, don’t do it right then.  The chance is too great that your explanation will sound like a “BUT.”  Instead, wait at least 10 minutes before trying to explain yourself. If you think the other person will hear your explanation as casting blame on your part, try to head this off.  Say, “My apology still stands and I don’t want to detract from it.  There is another piece to this problem I also want to talk about.

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“People respect the man and the woman who are willing to take responsibility for their own failures.” –Chapman / Thomas

Your research shows that 75 percent of couples differed in apology language. That is extraordinary.  What are the ramifications of this in relationships?

As a result of this difference, many couples will find that their apologies are not accepted.  This will lead to hurt feelings and frustration.  I want to see couples work out their differences by giving apologies that are likely to hit their mark.

Some people may use the apology as a manipulative tool.  How do you guard against this if someone really is just mastering a technique in your own language?

I believe that people who offer apologies are usually sincere.  The problem is that their efforts are being wasted on apologies that fall short.

Would anyone say that using the five love languages is too easy to manipulate?  In the same way, our five apology languages should be used by everyone who wants to tune into the needs of the people in their lives.

You say, “Forgiveness and trust are not to be equated.” Would you explain this a little and how you can rebuild trust with someone?

Apologies open the doorway to forgiveness.  The person who has been hurt may or may not choose to respond with forgiveness.  Sincere apologies make forgiveness more likely. Rebuilding trust takes some time. Usually, they will want to see if you have changed your ways. We know that, “Talk is cheap,” so they will be watching to see what you DO.

What’s your goal with this book?

We hope to reach people who are struggling with broken relationships.  For them, it can feel like apologies don’t work.  We offer hope that more targeted apologies will show your sincerity and will restore damaged ties.

What are you currently reading?

I gave up reading two years ago.  Well, to clarify that, I switched over to audiobooks on my cell phone.  I wanted to find more time to exercise, and I rarely have time to sit still and read so I gave up sitting still while reading.  I’m especially fond of listening to books while I’m at the beach-lots of time to watch the water and keep an eye on my kids while having someone else read the book through my earbuds.